Wow. Last time I posted anything to this I was in a really bad spot. It almost feels like that wasn't even me because that certainly isn't me anymore. A lot has changed. And a lot is an understatement.
I'm married. I have two step-kids. I quit my job and I stay at home. I (obviously) moved out of my parents house. I moved to the next state over. I have another nephew. My sister got married. Lots of changes.
A few weeks after that last post Josh and I broke up, for good. It's odd that it takes another relationship that's completely different to see how all the others were so toxic. He was not good for me and there's nothing he could do that would ever change that. I see that now.
My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life. I know some must think I'm completely crazy to have met a man, gotten engaged, gotten married, and moved on from my former life in all less than a year. I would probably feel like that towards someone else but, keep an open mind. I've done things that "traditional" way by dating for several years and look where that got me. No where. I think the way I am doing things now suits me better and I'm much happier for it.
Of course with getting married and actually having a life of my own comes with its downfalls from my immediate family. I don't know if it's jealousy or if I'm actually the one in the wrong but it seems whatever decision I make someone over there has a problem with it and things go sour.
Take for example, my sister's baby shower. My mom was in charge of all the planning and prepping and since I live about 45 minutes away now, I offered to help with whatever I could do at a distance. I found out that I had a wedding to go to the day before the shower and I couldn't help decorate my sister's house because of it so I got completely reamed out for it by my other sisters. It's not my fault I have other commitments and wasn't told I had be part of the decoration committee a few days before it was happening.
The shower came and went but that wasn't the end. There's a fucking second shower (technically my sister's third) that is being thrown by the MIL's mother for my sister. I talked to a few siblings and my mom and we all agreed this shower is kind of odd. Who has more than one shower if you're not Kim Kardashian? My mom specifically made it sound like she was on the fence about going. The thing was no one wants to show up to a party empty-handed but no one has the money to spend on more presents. That's weird. I'm not going to show up all "Hey, I'm here to eat all your food and giving nothing in return!" That's not my style.
Since my mom was uncertain I told her that I would sit this one out. My sister had a shower, her birthday is coming and I was going to take her out anyway, and I don't know her MIL's mom so it shouldn't be a big deal if I don't come.
Well now my sister (not the one with the baby) caught wind of the fact I wasn't planning on going and is trying to guilt me into it. "You're her sister. We're supposed to support her and the baby." Who ever said I don't support her because I'm not going to this second shower? That's dumb. My family is so materialistic that it's basically taboo if you don't show up with a wrapped gift for every birthday/holiday/occasion. Some of us aren't like that (my brothers and dad). Why should I be ostracized because I'm choosing to not do that "popular" thing?
This becomes a rift between my husband and I. He tells me "Babe, you know what they're doing. They're trying to get you to do what they want you to do by guilting you. Don't feed into it. It's your choice to feel bad about it."
He's right. It is my choice to feel bad about it but it's a vicious pattern that's been going on my whole life. I kind of even feel like I was set-up this particular instance. My mom said that it wasn't really a thing if I didn't go and when I told my sisters I wasn't going she just gives me this "I told you so" look completely going against what she said originally.
I hate how they have such a hold over me. I hate how I have to pop a xanax every few days if I think about the drama for too long. I hate how I have to pretend everything is great and not express my true thoughts just so I can have peace.
The last fight I actually stood up for myself and that almost tore us apart but that's for another day. I guess I can say that I'm getting better but I still have a long road ahead.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Thursday, June 5, 2014
6/5/14
I got really scared on Monday and I had to act. Josh told me that after we got in a fight on Saturday night that we went to his cousin's house. He had a few beers and decided to go home after some girls came over and started to do drugs.
No big deal. He left and that's all that matters. He didn't tell me the rest of what happened that night until Monday.
He calls me around 1:30 Monday afternoon and confesses to be that while he was on his way home he put his gas pedal to the floor and closed his eyes and let go of the wheel while he was driving. He said that he drove into a corn field and wound up slamming on the brakes when he finally came to.
He called his therapist after we got off the phone and we both went and talked to him at 3. He was going to make him wait until the 16th but that's just ridiculous. We sat down and talked with him for about 20 minutes. We talked about how Josh doesn't stay on his medicine when he's prescribed it and how he's impulsive and keeps losing every job he gets. The therapist said that since Josh wasn't suicidal at that moment they probably wouldn't take him in the hospital. He said it was worth trying to see if they would keep him there to start him back on some meds to straighten him out.
We left the office and drove back to Josh's house. I thought it would be best for him to go to the hospital. There's nothing else I could think of doing because I didn't want to leave him alone and I didn't want to take any chance of him being overwhelmed with those feelings again and this time not making it back out.
I took him to Silver Cross and they immediately took him, strip searched him, and put him in a room with a wrist band/alarm that would go off if he tried to leave. We were there from about 4-11:15PM. There was a lot that happened in that time but there was also a lot of waiting around for answers.
He talked to the social worker (which I wasn't in the room for because he kicked me out) at the hospital first and told her the story about the car and said that he's been having suicidal thoughts at night before bed. He said she told him that they couldn't keep him at that hospital because he has no insurance but that he would have to be transferred to some other facility.
The screener came in next and asked him a lot of the same questions the social worker did. She said even though he wasn't suicidal at that moment there was no way they could release him and the doctor had already determined that he needed to be hospitalized.
She said he had a 50/50 chance of ending up in a local hospital or going to some place downtown called Madden. Josh told me he had heard of Madden. It was a state hospital that people who are violent or on drugs usually get sent to. He looked so scared at that point. He was on the verge of tears, telling me what he did was stupid and it would never happen again. I wanted to believe that but I knew that even if walking out of there was an option I wouldn't feel safe leaving him alone.
After a few hours the social worker came back in and said he would be going to St. Joe's, the hospital right by his house. To say he was relieved is quite the understatement. We had been sitting there for hours just going through the possibilities of what was going to happen and both of us were just nervous wrecks.
At 11:15 the transportation people came and took him to the hospital where he has been for 3 days.
I've been talking with him on the phone since there hasn't been visiting hours for me to see him and I have to say that the correct decision was made for sure. He hasn't sounded even close to this good in a few months and it sounds like all the group therapy he has been participating in has been very beneficial.
We had a meeting yesterday with his social worker at this hospital and she said that he is doing very well and has been very responsive and compliant with the treatment they have been giving him. They put him on prozac and he's been taking it like he's supposed to.
I know it's only been a few days but I think this experience has really scared him into doing what is right by him and making the necessary changes for him to lead the most healthiest and most fulfilled life he can.
He gets to come home tomorrow and I can't wait to pick him up and get him away from that scary place. At the same time, I have been burned too many times to think that this is the change and the correct help he needed to finally make progress with his life. I'm trying to be optimistic but I honestly need to see the changes in action in order to put my full faith into it.
I'm tired of all the sad stories. I need some happy ones to write about and hopefully the next time I write here it will be because I have some great, wonderful news and I can't wait to write it down.
No big deal. He left and that's all that matters. He didn't tell me the rest of what happened that night until Monday.
He calls me around 1:30 Monday afternoon and confesses to be that while he was on his way home he put his gas pedal to the floor and closed his eyes and let go of the wheel while he was driving. He said that he drove into a corn field and wound up slamming on the brakes when he finally came to.
He called his therapist after we got off the phone and we both went and talked to him at 3. He was going to make him wait until the 16th but that's just ridiculous. We sat down and talked with him for about 20 minutes. We talked about how Josh doesn't stay on his medicine when he's prescribed it and how he's impulsive and keeps losing every job he gets. The therapist said that since Josh wasn't suicidal at that moment they probably wouldn't take him in the hospital. He said it was worth trying to see if they would keep him there to start him back on some meds to straighten him out.
We left the office and drove back to Josh's house. I thought it would be best for him to go to the hospital. There's nothing else I could think of doing because I didn't want to leave him alone and I didn't want to take any chance of him being overwhelmed with those feelings again and this time not making it back out.
I took him to Silver Cross and they immediately took him, strip searched him, and put him in a room with a wrist band/alarm that would go off if he tried to leave. We were there from about 4-11:15PM. There was a lot that happened in that time but there was also a lot of waiting around for answers.
He talked to the social worker (which I wasn't in the room for because he kicked me out) at the hospital first and told her the story about the car and said that he's been having suicidal thoughts at night before bed. He said she told him that they couldn't keep him at that hospital because he has no insurance but that he would have to be transferred to some other facility.
The screener came in next and asked him a lot of the same questions the social worker did. She said even though he wasn't suicidal at that moment there was no way they could release him and the doctor had already determined that he needed to be hospitalized.
She said he had a 50/50 chance of ending up in a local hospital or going to some place downtown called Madden. Josh told me he had heard of Madden. It was a state hospital that people who are violent or on drugs usually get sent to. He looked so scared at that point. He was on the verge of tears, telling me what he did was stupid and it would never happen again. I wanted to believe that but I knew that even if walking out of there was an option I wouldn't feel safe leaving him alone.
After a few hours the social worker came back in and said he would be going to St. Joe's, the hospital right by his house. To say he was relieved is quite the understatement. We had been sitting there for hours just going through the possibilities of what was going to happen and both of us were just nervous wrecks.
At 11:15 the transportation people came and took him to the hospital where he has been for 3 days.
I've been talking with him on the phone since there hasn't been visiting hours for me to see him and I have to say that the correct decision was made for sure. He hasn't sounded even close to this good in a few months and it sounds like all the group therapy he has been participating in has been very beneficial.
We had a meeting yesterday with his social worker at this hospital and she said that he is doing very well and has been very responsive and compliant with the treatment they have been giving him. They put him on prozac and he's been taking it like he's supposed to.
I know it's only been a few days but I think this experience has really scared him into doing what is right by him and making the necessary changes for him to lead the most healthiest and most fulfilled life he can.
He gets to come home tomorrow and I can't wait to pick him up and get him away from that scary place. At the same time, I have been burned too many times to think that this is the change and the correct help he needed to finally make progress with his life. I'm trying to be optimistic but I honestly need to see the changes in action in order to put my full faith into it.
I'm tired of all the sad stories. I need some happy ones to write about and hopefully the next time I write here it will be because I have some great, wonderful news and I can't wait to write it down.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Untitled
I deleted the entirety of my other blog. It was dumb and I was young and I really thought I had legitimate problems. Honestly, there's been nothing in my past that could have prepared me for what I've been going through the last 6.5 weeks.
I remember being in high school and hearing about all the girls having problems with their parents and their relationships in general. I didn't really go through that up until the last few years. My relationship with my mother is basically shot to hell. She is not the same mother I grew up with. She has been verbally, and as of recent, physically abusive to me.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she probably won't be in my life that much after I move out. She does nothing but make passive aggressive comments to me to make me feel bad about myself. She's drugged up on pain medication and anxiety medication that I don't even know that she knows what she says half the time.
Starting in the beginning of these last 6 weeks would probably just be therapeutic for me to write down because I feel like no matter who I talk to or try to confide in I'm always getting knocked down for it.
For the first time in my life, I'm without a job. I'm 27 years old, still living with my parents and siblings, and now I have no job. I was laid off from a position that I didn't really care for but it was my escape from this house and it was my way to control my income. I was absolutely devestated and couldn't believe that I was let go when I was so sure I was safe.
Note to self: Never believe any situation is a safe situation because there's always something around the corner that could totally fuck it up.
When I got home that day my mother was very unsympathetic and she started a fight with me about it saying that she was "sick" of my "attitude." At that point I was already hysterically crying and she just put the cherry on top of that.
Two days after my lay off my mother came at me during an argument with my sisters and slapped me across the face twice and tried to choke me out. She then ran into her bathroom, after my sister had to bite her to to get off me, with a bunch of pills. I ran after her so that she couldn't lock herself into the bathroom and do anything stupid. The cops were called and she went to the hospital for 2 days. After she got home she was supposed to start therapy and several weeks later she has done nothing to help her situation.
She basically ignored me for a few days and never really apologized for attacking me. We did have a talk but nothing was really resolved and she stands by everything she does/says because she can never be wrong about anything.
While she was in the hospital she told my sisters that she ran into the bathroom with her pills because she was afraid I was going to take them from her. She said that my sister's pills went missing from her dresser drawer in her bedroom and that she suspected that I took them from her to give them to Josh. How could someone's own mother have a thought like that about her daughter who has never abused/stolen anything, let alone drugs?
A few days later my boyfriend broke up with me. For the third time. Now I know what anyone would be thinking, "you're stupid for even staying and going back with someone who would put you through that over and over again." Those people would be right and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm being stupid and ridiculous and I should just walk away. He tells me that he breaks up with me because of my family, specifically my mother.
I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around to her destruction but at the same time, should I be punished for my family?
As of right now we're still not back together. It's been about 5 weeks and he keeps telling me that he wants me to be his girlfriend and that things will be different but I've already been burned repeatedly before so I keep prolonging it because I do love him. It just sounds so childish and like an abusee in love with the abuser.
He's not a bad person, though. He has made some terrible life decisions that have affected him greatly, that in turn effect me. It's so hard to deal with but I feel like I have no one in my corner and no matter how bad things get between him and I he's always there for me, trying to say things to make me feel better.
I think, at this point, nothing is going to get better. I've had 2 interviews for jobs, both rejected. I'm stuck in this house all day with miserable people. My mother and my one sister have basically backed each other up with everything that has been said and done. I can't say anything to anyone that's going on in my life because it gets twisted and turned into a complete fabrication.
My family doesn't even know that Josh and I have been broken up for 5 weeks.
I'm at such a loss as to what to do with myself. I feel lower than I have even felt in my life and I can't afford to talk to a therapist to try and get some tips on how to deal with my life.
I figure that writing it all down is some kind of release. I'm trying not to lash out at anyone because of my hurt and anger because that's just going to cause more hurt and anger. I'm at this point where I will take any job anywhere to be able to pack up my stuff and my cats and get out of here and never look back.
My mother made this passive aggressive comment to me today about moving out and saying that I was going to get a job and get out. She was very bitter about it. And she keeps doing it. She keeps saying things that just aren't appropriate. I've even asked her "why would you say that?"
She is such a miserable person who doesn't have a life outside of her bedroom and she makes my dad do everything for her or she wouldn't do anything for herself. A lot of the time I think that she should just go away to some kind of intensive therapy clinic where she could get help. She is very detrimental to my mental health and everyone elses health around her and she pretends like they are the problem when it's her.
My sister told me today that Josh has "done some shitty things" but none of those things were directed to her and yet she walks around like he has deeply wounded her in a way that is unforgivable. He's the one that broke up with me, not her. He's the one that has done and said bad things to me, not her.
I'm tired of her being the wounded/weak person and look at the situation through the eyes of the outsiders and maybe she would see how mentally and emotionally disturbed she really is.
I feel lonely and vulnerable right now. I'm not so messed up that I would ever do anything to myself or others but I really feel like I just want to sleep and wake up in a few years when things have just sorted itself out.
This might be my one and only post but I'm glad to have gotten it all down even if I'm the only one who will ever see it.
I remember being in high school and hearing about all the girls having problems with their parents and their relationships in general. I didn't really go through that up until the last few years. My relationship with my mother is basically shot to hell. She is not the same mother I grew up with. She has been verbally, and as of recent, physically abusive to me.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she probably won't be in my life that much after I move out. She does nothing but make passive aggressive comments to me to make me feel bad about myself. She's drugged up on pain medication and anxiety medication that I don't even know that she knows what she says half the time.
Starting in the beginning of these last 6 weeks would probably just be therapeutic for me to write down because I feel like no matter who I talk to or try to confide in I'm always getting knocked down for it.
For the first time in my life, I'm without a job. I'm 27 years old, still living with my parents and siblings, and now I have no job. I was laid off from a position that I didn't really care for but it was my escape from this house and it was my way to control my income. I was absolutely devestated and couldn't believe that I was let go when I was so sure I was safe.
Note to self: Never believe any situation is a safe situation because there's always something around the corner that could totally fuck it up.
When I got home that day my mother was very unsympathetic and she started a fight with me about it saying that she was "sick" of my "attitude." At that point I was already hysterically crying and she just put the cherry on top of that.
Two days after my lay off my mother came at me during an argument with my sisters and slapped me across the face twice and tried to choke me out. She then ran into her bathroom, after my sister had to bite her to to get off me, with a bunch of pills. I ran after her so that she couldn't lock herself into the bathroom and do anything stupid. The cops were called and she went to the hospital for 2 days. After she got home she was supposed to start therapy and several weeks later she has done nothing to help her situation.
She basically ignored me for a few days and never really apologized for attacking me. We did have a talk but nothing was really resolved and she stands by everything she does/says because she can never be wrong about anything.
While she was in the hospital she told my sisters that she ran into the bathroom with her pills because she was afraid I was going to take them from her. She said that my sister's pills went missing from her dresser drawer in her bedroom and that she suspected that I took them from her to give them to Josh. How could someone's own mother have a thought like that about her daughter who has never abused/stolen anything, let alone drugs?
A few days later my boyfriend broke up with me. For the third time. Now I know what anyone would be thinking, "you're stupid for even staying and going back with someone who would put you through that over and over again." Those people would be right and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm being stupid and ridiculous and I should just walk away. He tells me that he breaks up with me because of my family, specifically my mother.
I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around to her destruction but at the same time, should I be punished for my family?
As of right now we're still not back together. It's been about 5 weeks and he keeps telling me that he wants me to be his girlfriend and that things will be different but I've already been burned repeatedly before so I keep prolonging it because I do love him. It just sounds so childish and like an abusee in love with the abuser.
He's not a bad person, though. He has made some terrible life decisions that have affected him greatly, that in turn effect me. It's so hard to deal with but I feel like I have no one in my corner and no matter how bad things get between him and I he's always there for me, trying to say things to make me feel better.
I think, at this point, nothing is going to get better. I've had 2 interviews for jobs, both rejected. I'm stuck in this house all day with miserable people. My mother and my one sister have basically backed each other up with everything that has been said and done. I can't say anything to anyone that's going on in my life because it gets twisted and turned into a complete fabrication.
My family doesn't even know that Josh and I have been broken up for 5 weeks.
I'm at such a loss as to what to do with myself. I feel lower than I have even felt in my life and I can't afford to talk to a therapist to try and get some tips on how to deal with my life.
I figure that writing it all down is some kind of release. I'm trying not to lash out at anyone because of my hurt and anger because that's just going to cause more hurt and anger. I'm at this point where I will take any job anywhere to be able to pack up my stuff and my cats and get out of here and never look back.
My mother made this passive aggressive comment to me today about moving out and saying that I was going to get a job and get out. She was very bitter about it. And she keeps doing it. She keeps saying things that just aren't appropriate. I've even asked her "why would you say that?"
She is such a miserable person who doesn't have a life outside of her bedroom and she makes my dad do everything for her or she wouldn't do anything for herself. A lot of the time I think that she should just go away to some kind of intensive therapy clinic where she could get help. She is very detrimental to my mental health and everyone elses health around her and she pretends like they are the problem when it's her.
My sister told me today that Josh has "done some shitty things" but none of those things were directed to her and yet she walks around like he has deeply wounded her in a way that is unforgivable. He's the one that broke up with me, not her. He's the one that has done and said bad things to me, not her.
I'm tired of her being the wounded/weak person and look at the situation through the eyes of the outsiders and maybe she would see how mentally and emotionally disturbed she really is.
I feel lonely and vulnerable right now. I'm not so messed up that I would ever do anything to myself or others but I really feel like I just want to sleep and wake up in a few years when things have just sorted itself out.
This might be my one and only post but I'm glad to have gotten it all down even if I'm the only one who will ever see it.
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