Wow. Last time I posted anything to this I was in a really bad spot. It almost feels like that wasn't even me because that certainly isn't me anymore. A lot has changed. And a lot is an understatement.
I'm married. I have two step-kids. I quit my job and I stay at home. I (obviously) moved out of my parents house. I moved to the next state over. I have another nephew. My sister got married. Lots of changes.
A few weeks after that last post Josh and I broke up, for good. It's odd that it takes another relationship that's completely different to see how all the others were so toxic. He was not good for me and there's nothing he could do that would ever change that. I see that now.
My husband is the most wonderful man I have ever met in my life. I know some must think I'm completely crazy to have met a man, gotten engaged, gotten married, and moved on from my former life in all less than a year. I would probably feel like that towards someone else but, keep an open mind. I've done things that "traditional" way by dating for several years and look where that got me. No where. I think the way I am doing things now suits me better and I'm much happier for it.
Of course with getting married and actually having a life of my own comes with its downfalls from my immediate family. I don't know if it's jealousy or if I'm actually the one in the wrong but it seems whatever decision I make someone over there has a problem with it and things go sour.
Take for example, my sister's baby shower. My mom was in charge of all the planning and prepping and since I live about 45 minutes away now, I offered to help with whatever I could do at a distance. I found out that I had a wedding to go to the day before the shower and I couldn't help decorate my sister's house because of it so I got completely reamed out for it by my other sisters. It's not my fault I have other commitments and wasn't told I had be part of the decoration committee a few days before it was happening.
The shower came and went but that wasn't the end. There's a fucking second shower (technically my sister's third) that is being thrown by the MIL's mother for my sister. I talked to a few siblings and my mom and we all agreed this shower is kind of odd. Who has more than one shower if you're not Kim Kardashian? My mom specifically made it sound like she was on the fence about going. The thing was no one wants to show up to a party empty-handed but no one has the money to spend on more presents. That's weird. I'm not going to show up all "Hey, I'm here to eat all your food and giving nothing in return!" That's not my style.
Since my mom was uncertain I told her that I would sit this one out. My sister had a shower, her birthday is coming and I was going to take her out anyway, and I don't know her MIL's mom so it shouldn't be a big deal if I don't come.
Well now my sister (not the one with the baby) caught wind of the fact I wasn't planning on going and is trying to guilt me into it. "You're her sister. We're supposed to support her and the baby." Who ever said I don't support her because I'm not going to this second shower? That's dumb. My family is so materialistic that it's basically taboo if you don't show up with a wrapped gift for every birthday/holiday/occasion. Some of us aren't like that (my brothers and dad). Why should I be ostracized because I'm choosing to not do that "popular" thing?
This becomes a rift between my husband and I. He tells me "Babe, you know what they're doing. They're trying to get you to do what they want you to do by guilting you. Don't feed into it. It's your choice to feel bad about it."
He's right. It is my choice to feel bad about it but it's a vicious pattern that's been going on my whole life. I kind of even feel like I was set-up this particular instance. My mom said that it wasn't really a thing if I didn't go and when I told my sisters I wasn't going she just gives me this "I told you so" look completely going against what she said originally.
I hate how they have such a hold over me. I hate how I have to pop a xanax every few days if I think about the drama for too long. I hate how I have to pretend everything is great and not express my true thoughts just so I can have peace.
The last fight I actually stood up for myself and that almost tore us apart but that's for another day. I guess I can say that I'm getting better but I still have a long road ahead.
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