Untitled

I deleted the entirety of my other blog. It was dumb and I was young and I really thought I had legitimate problems. Honestly, there's been nothing in my past that could have prepared me for what I've been going through the last 6.5 weeks.

I remember being in high school and hearing about all the girls having problems with their parents and their relationships in general. I didn't really go through that up until the last few years. My relationship with my mother is basically shot to hell. She is not the same mother I grew up with. She has been verbally, and as of recent, physically abusive to me.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she probably won't be in my life that much after I move out. She does nothing but make passive aggressive comments to me to make me feel bad about myself. She's drugged up on pain medication and anxiety medication that I don't even know that she knows what she says half the time.

Starting in the beginning of these last 6 weeks would probably just be therapeutic for me to write down because I feel like no matter who I talk to or try to confide in I'm always getting knocked down for it.

For the first time in my life, I'm without a job. I'm 27 years old, still living with my parents and siblings, and now I have no job. I was laid off from a position that I didn't really care for but it was my escape from this house and it was my way to control my income. I was absolutely devestated and couldn't believe that I was let go when I was so sure I was safe.

Note to self: Never believe any situation is a safe situation because there's always something around the corner that could totally fuck it up.

When I got home that day my mother was very unsympathetic and she started a fight with me about it saying that she was "sick" of my "attitude." At that point I was already hysterically crying and she just put the cherry on top of that.

Two days after my lay off my mother came at me during an argument with my sisters and slapped me across the face twice and tried to choke me out. She then ran into her bathroom, after my sister had to bite her to to get off me, with a bunch of pills. I ran after her so that she couldn't lock herself into the bathroom and do anything stupid. The cops were called and she went to the hospital for 2 days. After she got home she was supposed to start therapy and several weeks later she has done nothing to help her situation.

She basically ignored me for a few days and never really apologized for attacking me. We did have a talk but nothing was really resolved and she stands by everything she does/says because she can never be wrong about anything.

While she was in the hospital she told my sisters that she ran into the bathroom with her pills because she was afraid I was going to take them from her. She said that my sister's pills went missing from her dresser drawer in her bedroom and that she suspected that I took them from her to give them to Josh. How could someone's own mother have a thought like that about her daughter who has never abused/stolen anything, let alone drugs?

A few days later my boyfriend broke up with me. For the third time. Now I know what anyone would be thinking, "you're stupid for even staying and going back with someone who would put you through that over and over again." Those people would be right and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm being stupid and ridiculous and I should just walk away. He tells me that he breaks up with me because of my family, specifically my mother.

I don't blame him for not wanting to stick around to her destruction but at the same time, should I be punished for my family?

As of right now we're still not back together. It's been about 5 weeks and he keeps telling me that he wants me to be his girlfriend and that things will be different but I've already been burned repeatedly before so I keep prolonging it because I do love him. It just sounds so childish and like an abusee in love with the abuser.

He's not a bad person, though. He has made some terrible life decisions that have affected him greatly, that in turn effect me. It's so hard to deal with but I feel like I have no one in my corner and no matter how bad things get between  him and I he's always there for me, trying to say things to make me feel better.

I think, at this point, nothing is going to get better. I've had 2 interviews for jobs, both rejected. I'm stuck in this house all day with miserable people. My mother and my one sister have basically backed each other up with everything that has been said and done. I can't say anything to anyone that's going on in my life because it gets twisted and turned into a complete fabrication.

My family doesn't even know that Josh and I have been broken up for 5 weeks.

I'm at such a loss as to what to do with myself. I feel lower than I have even felt in my life and I can't afford to talk to a therapist to try and get some tips on how to deal with my life.

I figure that writing it all down is some kind of release. I'm trying not to lash out at anyone because of my hurt and anger because that's just going to cause more hurt and anger. I'm at this point where I will take any job anywhere to be able to pack up my stuff and my cats and get out of here and never look back.

My mother made this passive aggressive comment to me today about moving out and saying that I was going to get a job and get out. She was very bitter about it. And she keeps doing it. She keeps saying things that just aren't appropriate. I've even asked her "why would you say that?"

She is such a miserable person who doesn't have a life outside of her bedroom and she makes my dad do everything for her or she wouldn't do anything for herself. A lot of the time I think that she should just go away to some kind of intensive therapy clinic where she could get help. She is very detrimental to my mental health and everyone elses health around her and she pretends like they are the problem when it's her.

My sister told me today that Josh has "done some shitty things" but none of those things were directed to her and yet she walks around like he has deeply wounded her in a way that is unforgivable. He's the one that broke up with me, not her. He's the one that has done and said bad things to me, not her.

I'm tired of her being the wounded/weak person and look at the situation through the eyes of the outsiders and maybe she would see how mentally and emotionally disturbed she really is.

I feel lonely and vulnerable right now. I'm not so messed up that I would ever do anything to myself or others but I really feel like I just want to sleep and wake up in a few years when things have just sorted itself out.

This might be my one and only post but I'm glad to have gotten it all down even if I'm the only one who will ever see it.